Guy Rolling Around Room Gun Funny
The government offered to buy back all my guns
I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.
I met a beautiful girl in the park.
I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."
What kinds of guns do T-Rex's prefer?
...mainly SMALL ARMS.
Two goldfish are in a tank...
One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
How many NRA members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: More guns.
So I was shopping online for antique guns.....
and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants sex, do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
Why are French guns the best to buy?
They've never been fired, and only dropped once.
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
Two men sit in a bar when a guy with a bunch of knives comes in..
.. one of the guys turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those knives? He's *Knife Bill*"
Some time later a man with 8 guns on his belt comes in and again the guy turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those guns? He's *Gun Bill*"
An hour later a guy with 5 arms and 3 legs comes in and the other guy asks:
"Who is that??"
"That's *Cherno Bill*"
Best excuse for missing work
The voices told me to clean the guns.
You can explore guns gat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guns shoot dad jokes. There are also guns puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Met a girl in the park...
Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.
These taser guns are well worth the money.
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.
I said it's for shelf-defense.
3 men are lined up for the firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**
A man walks into a gun shop.
He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."
If I have 10 guns and a Federal Law forces me to turn in 8 of them, how many will I have left?
Thats right... 10.
What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?
They should allow guns at the Republican convention
TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...
The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns."
My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...
One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?
In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
Americans may pull guns but Canadians....
..may pull leaves.
What do guns and feminists have in common?
They are very loud when triggered.
Shooting guns is a stupid hobby.
Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...
But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.
Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?
Guns N' Moses
3d-printers are now making guns.
Pffft, that's nothing!
I've had a Canon printer for years.
In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price
It could be called the Goodkill
I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.
He's a small arms dealer.
I covered all my weapons in glue.
I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.
What do guns and priests have in common?
They should never be left alone with children.
Why do men prefer guns over woman?
You can put a silencer on a gun.
What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band?
Guns N' Moses
They might deny pouring glue on my weapons...
But I'm sticking to my guns.
I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.
He denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.
I like dillos, but I don't support giving them guns...
I would never armadillo...
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
I was walking in the park the other day, when
I suddenly saw the girl of my dreams. Our eyes locked and there was this instant spark between us and she instantly went weak at the knees and fell before me.
As we lay on the grass making love, I thought to myself. These stun guns are well worth the money.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people.
But I'd rather take my chances against someone with a spoon.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.
Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Before guns were invented
armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war
So if guns don't kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast?
What do guns and corona virus have in common
They were both created in China now every American has one
People tell me I'm stupid for cleaning my firearms with honey.
But I'm sticking to my guns.
"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!
Eh?"
Some people think guns are beautiful.
I think tasers are stunning.
If you keep sticking to your guns...
...then hot glue may not be for you.
I think my wife put paste all over our firearms
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
Guns are like gum...
Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns.
I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
What do You Call Tortilla Chips With Guns?
Loaded Nachos
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Two fish were put into a tank. They started talking.
One said to the other, you drive, I'll shoot the guns.
A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis
The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the Nazis.
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the Nazis turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the Nazis aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".
Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner
What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?
Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.
I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.
Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.
Only downside is politicians usually have good security.
There are two fish in a tank
First fish turns to the second fish and says "you work the guns, I'll drive"
A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:
What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch? sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.
The barmaid responds: „What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from this?!
„Yes that is true.. answers the pirate, „..but at that point I only had the hook since 3 days.
I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.
The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".
After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he got me a bag of severed toes and I drew $'s on them and tied tiny red bananas to them. I went to that gang member and tried to pay for the car and he said...
"Sorry. I don't want your Blood Money."
A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:
What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch? sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.
The barmaid responds: „What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from this?!
„Yes that is true.. answers the pirate, „..but at that point I only had the hook since 3 days.
What do you call a T-Rex who smuggled guns?
A small arms dealer.
What do you call a person who sells prosthetics and guns?
An arms dealer
Every body loves guns!
Everytime I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo…
When he's finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.
When the guns empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, Hey! What the hell, man?
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling bear of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/guns-jokes.html
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